2016 – Year End Report

Brought to you by – google
[tag: oh you gonna need us to read the following ]

January.
10 – David Bowie performs ashes to ashes
14 – Professor Snape left to visit Richard Harris
16 – 2015 earthquake damage Reconstruction Campain’s concept started.
February.
09 – <user Sushil.Koirala has quit the game>
12 – Marvel Fanboys discover Deadpool and pledge their alliance.
26 – Leo wins an oscar for his bravery during his fight with a bear.
March.
19 – Prince Harry’s craving for Daal-Bhat was fulfilled.
22 – Brussels: facebook users educated each other about the city.
25 – Batman vs Superman. The winner – Wonder Woman
31 – Autocad lost one of it’s favorite user – Zaha Hadid.
April
21 – Prince pictures are everywhere. Even the ugly ones
28 – that girl in your facebook feed takes her 105th successful picture of a mirror.
May
06 – Civil war means 12 super heroes fighting each other, while wolverine stays neutral.
June.
09 – Google failed to compile enough picture and songs of Ambar Gurung.
20 – CIB arrests 36 fake doctors with the help of unlicensed apps and softwares.
23 – Britain successfully answers the Jackass challenge and exits EU
24 – Independence day 2 is exactly how Will Smith thought it would be.
July
22 – Fans find out that Princess Leia is not in Star Trek. Fans… embarassed
24 – <user K.P.Oli has logged off from the game>
25 – Dr K.C and food has relationship problem… they both wanted some space .
29 – 39 people killed in floods and landslides and govt strongly blamed the rain.
August.
03 – <user PK.Dahal has logged in>
17 – Nepali Mountain Range photobombs Incredible India’s ad picture.
18 – black and white photos lost its charm after black n white selfie challenge
September
13 – everybody realized how Sunil Bardewa changed their life.
October
10 – Samsung officially stops manufacturing Explosives.
19 – Law Makers start a new game of “Capture the Flag” on CIAA
November
02 – Indian Prez Pranab Mukherjee declares curfew in Kathmandu Valley
09 – a great disturbance was felt in the Force, millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. As Darth Trump took power.
22 – Boudha Stupa:1 , Dharahara: 0
25 – Fidel Castro ya no fuma cigarro mis amigos.
December
12 – Javier Rodriguez passed away. Who? OMG… don’t you use facebook? Click here to find out more
16 – Controvery started as digital blue print for the death star was leaked.
22 – LM Karki supported black lives matter with black paint on face
26 – Local FM stations play Faith, Last Christmas, Careless whisper in a loop
27 – ohh look Carie Fisher is famous again.
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 14.09.2016

Brought to you by
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Hit the road JACK, don’t you come back (no more X 4)
Hit the road JACK don’t you come back no mooooreeeee.
VOICE OVER:
iPhone 7
======================================
– In a surprising turn of events, it is discovered that the famous business catalog called Kantipur Daily contained news too. Locals are happy that they get to read news for the price they pay for the catalog.
– Last week, thousands of unique individuals, who refuse to follow any mass hysteria and trends, who are self aware, undefined lone wolfs, attended Nepal Inked 2016 tattoo convention, an annual event to tattoo lovers.
– The government’s brilliant plan to expand road width to hold more rain water has been declared a huge success. Residents of Kathmandu are praising their planning and execution skills.
– And in last week’s CSI:Kathmandu – expats discover that all Nepalis are uncultured, money hungry, visa seeking tribals based on one or two Nepali they meet and Nepali people discover that all expats are paedophiles based on two cases they found last week. “Balanced achieved,” Horatio Caine (puts on glasses).
– Sunil Bardewa is cool, great and talented now. People are slowly realizing how much they appreciated him and how his music defined their life. The realization is expected to grow more once google or facebook posts more pictures of him.
– contrary to the popular belief that “prachanda-path” was the route from Kathmandu to Beijing, Scientists proved that the legendary “prachanda-path” is the aerial route from Kathmandu to Delhi.
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 01.09.2016

Brought to you by “Nepal Airways” [motto: We’re late… always]
– Nation is now rules by the house of red sickle, and the first order of business of nation’s prime Hon. Mr. Pro-Chanda [chanda: noun – donations] was to rename electricity to people’s electricity and make sure they are not available to former royalties citing grounds of non payment of electrical bills, which now was “his government’s” duty to pay.
– In order to relieve the flood victim of Saptari and takes their mind off things, Japan donates encephalitis.
– Taking a page out of bollywood, a youth advocating better health care in the nation has been declared as health minister. Will he? Won’t he? How much? When? To find the answer contact your nearest Astrologer. Meanwhile the top leaders who nominated him are confident. “He is very capable, we trust him, he will revolutionize the health sector,” said one top leader prior to his departure to Bangkok for medical check-up.
– Michael Phelps glad of the fact that he is not Nepali. “TIA customs would have been a nightmare with that much gold, thank god I am in America,” said Mr. Phelps upon his return to US of A.
– Prominent reporter Rishi Dhamala’s Diary of questions is missing. He has been quiet even during the turmoil of the nations as his stock of questions are missing and have no clue what to ask.
– Father… the second most hunted prey after chicken, by the youngster, is celebrated nationwide with a day dedicated to them. Unlike Chicken who are hunted for variety of cuisines, fathers are usually hunted for new clothes, apple iPhones and occasionally… Facebook likes. Everybody loves them…
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 17.08.2016

Mid Week Update:
– Adobe Approves the Incredible india campaign. Says the “incredible” part denotes it’s photoshop skills
– This week’s mysterious School strike are unexplained and unclear. Rumor has it that it was organized by kindergarteners demanding “no homeworks”.
– “Buddha was born in Nepal” the campaign inspired the Germans to initiate their own campaign titled “Hitler was born in Austria”. They are convinced that a person’s place of birth matters, not what they did.
– Upon discovering that Beauty parlors outnumber health posts in the country, Govt is now passing an agenda to include skin care into health services, the move would boost the annual report of Ministry of Health and Ministry of Finance.
– August 13, celebrated “left handed day”, on this occasion the Left handed association of Nepal (LA-HAN) unveiled its new innovation “Left-handed Spoon” to establish equality and liberation (at the same time).
– After playing real life characters in movies like “kohi mil gaya” and “Kkrish”, Hritik Roshan baffles critics by playing an imaginary and baseless character in Mohenjo-daro
– Dr Minto Black, AGC (All Genuine Certificates) says the decline of Royal family in Nepal started right when microbus, Minibus and Taxi drivers starting branding themselves with names like “Royal Palpa”,”Royal Kavre” and “Royal Banepa”, “it is a classic example of brand degradation,” says Dr Black… minto black
– And in fiction section this week: the mythical NEPSE was up by 3.75% while opening, down by 2.75 at midday and again dived by 1.00% at closing, leaving it as is where is and predicted to rise again next morning like a phoenix
– And in weekly Poll:
Do you like Ncell I mean axiata’s new logo?
– If your answer is YES then type “TAKE MY MONEY” and send it to 9211 (nau do gyarah)
– If your answer is NO then type “IT DOESN’T MATTER. HERE, TAKE MY MONEY ANYWAY” and send it to 9211 (nau do gyarah)

That’s all for now.

Mid week Update 03.08.2016

– After the 7 day waiting period, nation commences a tradition called “Say how good the former government was”.
– #getwellsoonlokman users abandoned the idea after realizing that Mr Lokman too has watched Munna Bhai MBBS
– Doctors proved that fasting for a duration will make your wishes come true. The myth behind “brata”(fasting) has been proved with extensive experiments. Nepali women and men are encouraged and excited. And as a test exercise I will stay hungry till someone offers me free food.
– Kastamandap, the icon of the city which inspired the city to be named “Kath-mandu” is destroyed during the earthquake, but concerned authority aren’t going to rebuild them as the legacy as been passed on to Jazzmandu, foodmandu, skatemandu, blogmandu, bellymandu, anyotherwordfromdictionary-mandu. Instead they are rebuilding Dharahara because it has historical values, no one knows what kind of history because no one read history seriously in school.
– Facebook users are accepting hard challenges of making black and white selfies. Real life challenges are ignored since life doesn’t have “like” buttons. And in the current trend we decided to add new challenge called “don’t be stupid challege”
– Hydropower projects are stalled because we rather live in darkness than read online news about its corruption.
– And in sports – Manchester secures a win for Zlatan.
– In Weather – Floods affect the Terai region badly and displaces as many villages as the earthquake did and no one seems to… ohhh Prisma Fliter.
That’s all for now

Mid week Update 13.07.2016

– Last week’s Wikileaks revealed that the song “What is it goooood for? – absolutely nothing” was the second choice for Nepali National Anthem.
– And in the Recent Episode of Game of Chairs – The house of Golden Sickle (motto ” Mo Money, No Problem”) withdrew its alliance with The house of Red Fiction (motto “Ni-Hao-maaaa”). House of Koirala (motto “Pa-pa-pa-Please like us”) is politically active now with a loud chant “monsoon is coming, monsoon is coming”
– Ministry of Health started and new public campaign to raise health awareness, they advise all citizens that the key to healthy life is – Have lot of Money.
– Similarly Agriculture Ministry’s portable farming campaign (iPot) is supported by Ministry of Urban Planning.
– In order to secure the bank notes from blind counterfeiters, Nepal Rastra Bank this week released new bank notes with new blind recognition feature that can only be seen.
– Nation shocked upon knowing that Cristiano Ronaldo’s career councilor is a well reputed Nepali actress/model/beauty queen. According to a shocked twitter user “She had so many accomplishments but a career councilor for someone like Ronaldo is a surprise, this is definitely a new accolade under her belt… no no not the belt, under her tiara, she is my idol”
– In Sports, Rolando’s brilliant injury helped Portugal win the Euro-cup 2016. Sports analyst Dr. Minto Black says “this is the greatest example of the greatest professional rivalry of our time, you see Messi missed a penalty and in retaliation Ronaldo missed the whole match.”
– And in economics, it was discovered that several of the parliamentarians from the House of Golden Sickle, are very good at human resource management despite their low educations. Nepali people from rural areas are thankful for their management skills to send them abroad who in-turn are supporting the gross national economy
That’s all for now…

Mid week update 06.07.2016

Mid-week Update:
– Salman Khan plays a rape victim in Sultan.
– Historian discovered the exact moment Nepal’s development took a steep dive. it was a typo in the plea to donor countries. It said “we need Pajero” instead of “we need Padhero”.
-Nepal ranked No. 1 in Number of Speed-breakers per capita, the actual numbers are yet to be confirmed as the Team who went to count is having trouble with the suspension of their vehicle.
-And in Bal Mandir, children of rich parents proved, once again that, despite short-comings like money, pampered childhood and Money, they are as capable and eligible for scholarship as… the orphans.
-and in Iraq, THIS MESSAGE IS PENDING APPROVAL FROM FACEBOOK, MEANWHILE CLICK ON OUR SPONSORED LINK TO FIND OUT 5 DESIGNER HANDBAGS TRENDING IN EUROPE AND AMERICA THAT ̶W̶I̶L̶L̶ ̶B̶L̶O̶W̶ ̶Y̶O̶U̶R̶ ̶M̶I̶N̶D̶, YOU WON’T BELIEVE.
-Koruptinath, an ancient god of town planning and real estate, last week got angry and attacked a primary school, witness said they heard a loud chanting during the attack which, according to sanskrit scholars, is loosely translated as “we don’t need no more engineers and planners, y’all.”
– and in sports, Messi’s Sixer in Copa cup final, successfully inspired the national football team of Italy and Germany.
-weather this week chose to be thematic. it appeared as a wet, white, dirty rag cloth to symbolize clothes the orphans will be wearing since they were not capable enough to get the scholarship.
that’s all for now.

Short Story

I met my friend Sonam (name changed from Dhyndup for privacy reasons) after 20 years, he had changed a lot in these years (Yes, we are that old). And as he proudly walked towards us, i could see the pride in his eyes and i could almost hear the full string orchestra playing in his head as a background score… no no scratch that… mah dude back from US of mo’fuk’n A so i am sure it was some hip hop beat playing in his head, synchronized with his steps. he was proud, and fashion beyond our time… with spotless white Tee and khaki shorts, like the Indian RSS candidates (like i said fashion beyond our time). but that’s not the story, the story is about the failure in our friendship…
You see, on my part i failed to deliver a funny comment to show how cool i have become, and he on his part…
well, he failed to recognize me…
Good night!

Dream Dictionary

Dream, the stuff that your sub-conscious imagines while your conscious brain stops working, it usually occurs while you are sleeping however, in recent times sleep is something you rarely have so it also occurs while you pretend to work, drive or when you are actively browsing internet.

According to Dr Minto Black (aka the 26th shade of grey), a well known psychiatrist, human brain  goes to sleep like trance after 31 minutes of normal internet browsing and 12 minutes of social media browsing, where you start clicking picture of your friend’s friend and the see pictures that are 12 years old and then see words like George Michael and then search for WHAM songs in youtube and stumble upon “Wake me up before you go go go” which makes buy an alarm clock to improve your lifestyle, because you have too many pending works, and then search online for alarm clocks, stumbling on alibabadotcom and see a lamp stand you absolutely want as a backdrop for your selfie and then impress your friend’s friend who will never like your picture since you are not friends, so you go to that friends’ friend page to send a friend request and then lunch time…

“This aforementioned trance like state or the awakening of your sub conscious mind is also termed as dreaming,” says Dr Minto Black (aka the 26th shade of grey), “however the dream contents and the interpretation of dreams have changed in the recent days, and these dreams defy the logic put forward by Dr Sigmund Freud, because let’s face it… Dr Freud never had Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and iphone 6 plus gold edition.”

Humanity has changed a lot since Dr Freud’s Theory; radio, pen-friends and buying a dress every 6 months don’t qualify as being social, you have to have pictures, master’s degree in photo-manipulation and bad English to be social these days. “And with the change in Human interaction, changes the sub-conscious too,” says Dr Minto Black, who advocates that the “Dream Dictionary” should be updated that is relative to modern word and the growing trend of being retard to appear smart. And thus puts forward his new book “Dreamz yo! Wat dey mean”.

Here are few excerpts from the book:

Falling:
Falling from a height generally signifies that you have disappointed yourself and your sub-conscious is not happy about it. It usually occurs on days when your selfie/status messages doesn’t get as many like and shares as you hoped. It’s a symptom of self-disappointment; changing your phone to a new one or trying out new filter might help you.

Unable to Run-Away from unknown threats:
It is one of the most re-occurring dreams where you are trying to run away from something that scares you the most. Usually in these kind of dreams you will not be able to identify the threat. How ever it occurs when you are not happy with the shoes you have and you are in dilemma about whether to buy that new pair of shoes you saw in the ad section which you know that looks super amazing on you. Your sub-conscious believes that buying that pair of shoes will let you get away from anything… anything

Failing to write/writing slower than you wished:
In this dream the dreamer/you will be in an examination hall or some place you have to sit and write, and in the dream state you are unable to write anything and/or writing very slow as the clock is ticking. These kind of dreams usually establish that you are and intellectual kind and words stimulate you more than words. Such dreams means that you are not writing/sharing enough inspirational quotes on your status. The guilt inside you for not being able to say, something somebody may or may not have said, have taken deep roots and you need to post as many great quotes as possible. Natural background with words are suggested method of therapy to soothe your guilty sub-conscious.

Sex:
Normal/ re-occurring, it normally occurs when the person whom you wanted to establish intimate physical connection, either doesn’t know you exist or thinks of you as a friend only. Such cases your sub-conscious pervert goes into role playing various scenario where the person literally is begging to be next to you. Suggested remedy: Lower your expectations and restrain yourself of clicking on that hot singles in your area ad for 30 days.

For more… buy the book “Dreamz yo! Wat dey mean” by Dr Minto Black.
Available in hardcover edition as well as digital edition, contact your nearest dealer

Good Night!

Mid Week Update 29 June ’16

– In order to boost national morale, government just pranked the people of Barpak by introducing them a plan of rehabilitation programme and community housing programs, after they completed 40% of the re-construction themselves.
– 30000 people had no electricity after Virginia floods, it was a disaster, President Obama after learning about the situation declared Virginia as “State of Nepal” till they reconstruct.
– The invisible man, who was restraining girls during photo shoots resulting them to be standing in awkward positions, died last week. Social Media is relieved, and the victims are now taking picture in sleeping positions which enables their potential partners to imagine how it would look to be on top of them.
– According to your European Expert, Mingma Sherpa: the British people united last week during BREXIT to prove Mark Twain wrong, apparently the people of UK were fed up of looking at quotes with various background that said “at the end you only regret things you didn’t do”
– Indian movie-maker demanded apology from a Nepali movie makers, he demanded an apology for inspiring him.
– Nepali cinema has upgraded in the last decade, but the cinema critics haven’t… they are still using the same old template for reviewing. After discovering same words like… brilliant acting, good chemistry, bad performance, stunning, natural in his/her elements and debut, the government announced “ONE CRITIC, ONE DICTIONARY” plan this week.
– Religious pictures are trending in facebook this week, like this post or bad things will happen to you… by that I mean I will post endless pictures of Hindu Gods and Goddesses in your timeline for a week.
– Association of Nepali Astrologists (HM -hardcore maoist) had issued a following statement “when you stand on the King’s way Ratnapark at peak office hours and gaze at the constellation, you will find out that due to natural factor like dust pollution and traffic jam, everybody’s horoscope would look same, exactly how communism describes it to be.” so this week’s horoscope according to HM-ANA:
All star signs: your future is F*&^ed.
– Dr Swamy Nibar Allam, predicted that this week’s temperature will cross the day-dream threshold, it’s 2 degree above your regular comfortable temperature for day dream at work and 7 degrees above “I can’t work today temperature zone”
that’s all for now