Mid Week Update 04.05.2017

Brought to you by Amadeus Cho (Who? Ahhh Marvel fans will love him and claim to have known him always, once marvel makes a movie about him)

– Tickets for Mayor Candidacy – Easy; Tickets for Bahubali – Not Easy
– After the supreme court chief justice impeachment issue, webster’s dictionary amended Democracy as follows:”Democracy is the government of the people for the people by “more powerful and influential foreign” people
– Social media saw a surge of likes and prayers on the pictures of gods and other emotional pictures after the news of $43 million found in empty Nigerian apartment. “The Nigerian Prince was real! He requested several times to me to take his money but I didn’t listen, poor guy suffered a lot. Now I am never going to ignore another plea like that. I just liked a picture of an infant with cancer… I know my like will save that poor soul” said user i_am_so_lonely24@gmail.com
– Investigation report, about absence of indian PM during Nepali Presidents visit to India, has concluded that PM Modi avoided the airport receptions due to limited memory of the iphone7 as PM Modi’s phone memory was already full because of his selfie with all the world leaders. Iphone7 has issued an official letter to come up with new line with expanded memory and PM Modi has promised a selfie next time she visits.
– The government’s recent campaign to prove student about uses of mathematics has been a huge success. Everybody now understands the law of averages after the recent exhibition of selection of Police chief. Court chose No. 1 and the politicians chose No.3 and took the average ((1+3)/2 = 2 ) and place No 2 as the chief. Students everywhere are not satisfied that the math they learn in school is useful somehow.
– After the selection of Mayor Candidates. Dust and pollution have pledged that they will settle down and never fly in the air after the mayor is elected, to keep the city clean
– Last week, the “take a picture with your mother” day was a huge success. Participants took time to apply appropriate filters and google taglines and hashtag how they loved their respective mothers.
– Biratnagar Customs office invented a revolutionary machine to convert sugar into rice, the officials stated that they are also working on a new technology to convert electronic products into card boxes to tackle the paper shortage in the country.
– International organization have deployed a study team to study the logistic capability of Nepali people. The decision was taken after they discovered that Nepali people can distribute ballot boxes and other election materials to districts faster than they can distribute food and other essentials. “We are astounded, we are trying to supply food and medicines to these districts for months with no success but these ballot boxes just appeared last night and now they are everywhere! It’s like a miracle! We need to learn how to do it.” stated county director Mr Senseofsu Primacy, W.H.Y
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 04.04.2017

Sponsored by Argakhanchi Cement – “what’s good about our cement? Moisture Proof bag!”
Co-Sponsored by:Nike : “with Earthquake resistant Shoelaces”
Levi’s: “now with 33% larger pockets”
Aqua Mineral water: “100% fire proof”

– Facebook forgot yesterday’s St. Petersburg,”that is not correct, we do remember it, we prayed for it also. But the name Petersburg is very hard to type and we don’t want our users to go through such ordeal. If they change the name to something simple like Syria or Paris then we can do something about it” said facebook’s development manager.
– Kathmandu Municipality’s city wide survey on the pollution has concluded that the citizens are not using the pollution masks correctly. The office has states that – in order to properly tackle the pollution, one needs to put the mask on the their eye and everything will appear as it should.
– Speaking of Pollution, the government is taking drastic measures to counter the pollution in the city, from mid April they are banning the car horn. After detail study of the dust level of the city and the garbage, they have prioritized the fight with noise pollution.
– Nepal is declared the third happiest country in SAARC. A recent study revealed that the happiness is due to excessive laughing at their politician’s foolishness and rich lifestyle. Politician’s here try their best to make a joke of themselves to amuse the common people.
– A landslide in Mugling-Narayanghat killed two and injured few travellers, a road department engineer, looked left, looked right, saw no one he can target and then blamed the mountain for being so weak.
– Entrance exams for Grade -I, have finally stablished the seriousness of Nepali education system, it is now easier to get education abroad than in Nepal. “We wanted to make sure that our entry systems are tougher that the Visa screening of these first world countries, that’ll teach them a lesson” said a politically appointed member of board of education, “we are currently ranked no 1 in grade 1 entrance exams” – he added
That’s all for now.

2016 – Year End Report

Brought to you by – google
[tag: oh you gonna need us to read the following ]

January.
10 – David Bowie performs ashes to ashes
14 – Professor Snape left to visit Richard Harris
16 – 2015 earthquake damage Reconstruction Campain’s concept started.
February.
09 – <user Sushil.Koirala has quit the game>
12 – Marvel Fanboys discover Deadpool and pledge their alliance.
26 – Leo wins an oscar for his bravery during his fight with a bear.
March.
19 – Prince Harry’s craving for Daal-Bhat was fulfilled.
22 – Brussels: facebook users educated each other about the city.
25 – Batman vs Superman. The winner – Wonder Woman
31 – Autocad lost one of it’s favorite user – Zaha Hadid.
April
21 – Prince pictures are everywhere. Even the ugly ones
28 – that girl in your facebook feed takes her 105th successful picture of a mirror.
May
06 – Civil war means 12 super heroes fighting each other, while wolverine stays neutral.
June.
09 – Google failed to compile enough picture and songs of Ambar Gurung.
20 – CIB arrests 36 fake doctors with the help of unlicensed apps and softwares.
23 – Britain successfully answers the Jackass challenge and exits EU
24 – Independence day 2 is exactly how Will Smith thought it would be.
July
22 – Fans find out that Princess Leia is not in Star Trek. Fans… embarassed
24 – <user K.P.Oli has logged off from the game>
25 – Dr K.C and food has relationship problem… they both wanted some space .
29 – 39 people killed in floods and landslides and govt strongly blamed the rain.
August.
03 – <user PK.Dahal has logged in>
17 – Nepali Mountain Range photobombs Incredible India’s ad picture.
18 – black and white photos lost its charm after black n white selfie challenge
September
13 – everybody realized how Sunil Bardewa changed their life.
October
10 – Samsung officially stops manufacturing Explosives.
19 – Law Makers start a new game of “Capture the Flag” on CIAA
November
02 – Indian Prez Pranab Mukherjee declares curfew in Kathmandu Valley
09 – a great disturbance was felt in the Force, millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. As Darth Trump took power.
22 – Boudha Stupa:1 , Dharahara: 0
25 – Fidel Castro ya no fuma cigarro mis amigos.
December
12 – Javier Rodriguez passed away. Who? OMG… don’t you use facebook? Click here to find out more
16 – Controvery started as digital blue print for the death star was leaked.
22 – LM Karki supported black lives matter with black paint on face
26 – Local FM stations play Faith, Last Christmas, Careless whisper in a loop
27 – ohh look Carie Fisher is famous again.
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 14.09.2016

Brought to you by
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Hit the road JACK, don’t you come back (no more X 4)
Hit the road JACK don’t you come back no mooooreeeee.
VOICE OVER:
iPhone 7
======================================
– In a surprising turn of events, it is discovered that the famous business catalog called Kantipur Daily contained news too. Locals are happy that they get to read news for the price they pay for the catalog.
– Last week, thousands of unique individuals, who refuse to follow any mass hysteria and trends, who are self aware, undefined lone wolfs, attended Nepal Inked 2016 tattoo convention, an annual event to tattoo lovers.
– The government’s brilliant plan to expand road width to hold more rain water has been declared a huge success. Residents of Kathmandu are praising their planning and execution skills.
– And in last week’s CSI:Kathmandu – expats discover that all Nepalis are uncultured, money hungry, visa seeking tribals based on one or two Nepali they meet and Nepali people discover that all expats are paedophiles based on two cases they found last week. “Balanced achieved,” Horatio Caine (puts on glasses).
– Sunil Bardewa is cool, great and talented now. People are slowly realizing how much they appreciated him and how his music defined their life. The realization is expected to grow more once google or facebook posts more pictures of him.
– contrary to the popular belief that “prachanda-path” was the route from Kathmandu to Beijing, Scientists proved that the legendary “prachanda-path” is the aerial route from Kathmandu to Delhi.
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 01.09.2016

Brought to you by “Nepal Airways” [motto: We’re late… always]
– Nation is now rules by the house of red sickle, and the first order of business of nation’s prime Hon. Mr. Pro-Chanda [chanda: noun – donations] was to rename electricity to people’s electricity and make sure they are not available to former royalties citing grounds of non payment of electrical bills, which now was “his government’s” duty to pay.
– In order to relieve the flood victim of Saptari and takes their mind off things, Japan donates encephalitis.
– Taking a page out of bollywood, a youth advocating better health care in the nation has been declared as health minister. Will he? Won’t he? How much? When? To find the answer contact your nearest Astrologer. Meanwhile the top leaders who nominated him are confident. “He is very capable, we trust him, he will revolutionize the health sector,” said one top leader prior to his departure to Bangkok for medical check-up.
– Michael Phelps glad of the fact that he is not Nepali. “TIA customs would have been a nightmare with that much gold, thank god I am in America,” said Mr. Phelps upon his return to US of A.
– Prominent reporter Rishi Dhamala’s Diary of questions is missing. He has been quiet even during the turmoil of the nations as his stock of questions are missing and have no clue what to ask.
– Father… the second most hunted prey after chicken, by the youngster, is celebrated nationwide with a day dedicated to them. Unlike Chicken who are hunted for variety of cuisines, fathers are usually hunted for new clothes, apple iPhones and occasionally… Facebook likes. Everybody loves them…
That’s all for now.

Mid Week Update 17.08.2016

Mid Week Update:
– Adobe Approves the Incredible india campaign. Says the “incredible” part denotes it’s photoshop skills
– This week’s mysterious School strike are unexplained and unclear. Rumor has it that it was organized by kindergarteners demanding “no homeworks”.
– “Buddha was born in Nepal” the campaign inspired the Germans to initiate their own campaign titled “Hitler was born in Austria”. They are convinced that a person’s place of birth matters, not what they did.
– Upon discovering that Beauty parlors outnumber health posts in the country, Govt is now passing an agenda to include skin care into health services, the move would boost the annual report of Ministry of Health and Ministry of Finance.
– August 13, celebrated “left handed day”, on this occasion the Left handed association of Nepal (LA-HAN) unveiled its new innovation “Left-handed Spoon” to establish equality and liberation (at the same time).
– After playing real life characters in movies like “kohi mil gaya” and “Kkrish”, Hritik Roshan baffles critics by playing an imaginary and baseless character in Mohenjo-daro
– Dr Minto Black, AGC (All Genuine Certificates) says the decline of Royal family in Nepal started right when microbus, Minibus and Taxi drivers starting branding themselves with names like “Royal Palpa”,”Royal Kavre” and “Royal Banepa”, “it is a classic example of brand degradation,” says Dr Black… minto black
– And in fiction section this week: the mythical NEPSE was up by 3.75% while opening, down by 2.75 at midday and again dived by 1.00% at closing, leaving it as is where is and predicted to rise again next morning like a phoenix
– And in weekly Poll:
Do you like Ncell I mean axiata’s new logo?
– If your answer is YES then type “TAKE MY MONEY” and send it to 9211 (nau do gyarah)
– If your answer is NO then type “IT DOESN’T MATTER. HERE, TAKE MY MONEY ANYWAY” and send it to 9211 (nau do gyarah)

That’s all for now.

Mid week Update 03.08.2016

– After the 7 day waiting period, nation commences a tradition called “Say how good the former government was”.
– #getwellsoonlokman users abandoned the idea after realizing that Mr Lokman too has watched Munna Bhai MBBS
– Doctors proved that fasting for a duration will make your wishes come true. The myth behind “brata”(fasting) has been proved with extensive experiments. Nepali women and men are encouraged and excited. And as a test exercise I will stay hungry till someone offers me free food.
– Kastamandap, the icon of the city which inspired the city to be named “Kath-mandu” is destroyed during the earthquake, but concerned authority aren’t going to rebuild them as the legacy as been passed on to Jazzmandu, foodmandu, skatemandu, blogmandu, bellymandu, anyotherwordfromdictionary-mandu. Instead they are rebuilding Dharahara because it has historical values, no one knows what kind of history because no one read history seriously in school.
– Facebook users are accepting hard challenges of making black and white selfies. Real life challenges are ignored since life doesn’t have “like” buttons. And in the current trend we decided to add new challenge called “don’t be stupid challege”
– Hydropower projects are stalled because we rather live in darkness than read online news about its corruption.
– And in sports – Manchester secures a win for Zlatan.
– In Weather – Floods affect the Terai region badly and displaces as many villages as the earthquake did and no one seems to… ohhh Prisma Fliter.
That’s all for now

Mid week Update 13.07.2016

– Last week’s Wikileaks revealed that the song “What is it goooood for? – absolutely nothing” was the second choice for Nepali National Anthem.
– And in the Recent Episode of Game of Chairs – The house of Golden Sickle (motto ” Mo Money, No Problem”) withdrew its alliance with The house of Red Fiction (motto “Ni-Hao-maaaa”). House of Koirala (motto “Pa-pa-pa-Please like us”) is politically active now with a loud chant “monsoon is coming, monsoon is coming”
– Ministry of Health started and new public campaign to raise health awareness, they advise all citizens that the key to healthy life is – Have lot of Money.
– Similarly Agriculture Ministry’s portable farming campaign (iPot) is supported by Ministry of Urban Planning.
– In order to secure the bank notes from blind counterfeiters, Nepal Rastra Bank this week released new bank notes with new blind recognition feature that can only be seen.
– Nation shocked upon knowing that Cristiano Ronaldo’s career councilor is a well reputed Nepali actress/model/beauty queen. According to a shocked twitter user “She had so many accomplishments but a career councilor for someone like Ronaldo is a surprise, this is definitely a new accolade under her belt… no no not the belt, under her tiara, she is my idol”
– In Sports, Rolando’s brilliant injury helped Portugal win the Euro-cup 2016. Sports analyst Dr. Minto Black says “this is the greatest example of the greatest professional rivalry of our time, you see Messi missed a penalty and in retaliation Ronaldo missed the whole match.”
– And in economics, it was discovered that several of the parliamentarians from the House of Golden Sickle, are very good at human resource management despite their low educations. Nepali people from rural areas are thankful for their management skills to send them abroad who in-turn are supporting the gross national economy
That’s all for now…

Mid week update 06.07.2016

Mid-week Update:
– Salman Khan plays a rape victim in Sultan.
– Historian discovered the exact moment Nepal’s development took a steep dive. it was a typo in the plea to donor countries. It said “we need Pajero” instead of “we need Padhero”.
-Nepal ranked No. 1 in Number of Speed-breakers per capita, the actual numbers are yet to be confirmed as the Team who went to count is having trouble with the suspension of their vehicle.
-And in Bal Mandir, children of rich parents proved, once again that, despite short-comings like money, pampered childhood and Money, they are as capable and eligible for scholarship as… the orphans.
-and in Iraq, THIS MESSAGE IS PENDING APPROVAL FROM FACEBOOK, MEANWHILE CLICK ON OUR SPONSORED LINK TO FIND OUT 5 DESIGNER HANDBAGS TRENDING IN EUROPE AND AMERICA THAT ̶W̶I̶L̶L̶ ̶B̶L̶O̶W̶ ̶Y̶O̶U̶R̶ ̶M̶I̶N̶D̶, YOU WON’T BELIEVE.
-Koruptinath, an ancient god of town planning and real estate, last week got angry and attacked a primary school, witness said they heard a loud chanting during the attack which, according to sanskrit scholars, is loosely translated as “we don’t need no more engineers and planners, y’all.”
– and in sports, Messi’s Sixer in Copa cup final, successfully inspired the national football team of Italy and Germany.
-weather this week chose to be thematic. it appeared as a wet, white, dirty rag cloth to symbolize clothes the orphans will be wearing since they were not capable enough to get the scholarship.
that’s all for now.

Short Story

I met my friend Sonam (name changed from Dhyndup for privacy reasons) after 20 years, he had changed a lot in these years (Yes, we are that old). And as he proudly walked towards us, i could see the pride in his eyes and i could almost hear the full string orchestra playing in his head as a background score… no no scratch that… mah dude back from US of mo’fuk’n A so i am sure it was some hip hop beat playing in his head, synchronized with his steps. he was proud, and fashion beyond our time… with spotless white Tee and khaki shorts, like the Indian RSS candidates (like i said fashion beyond our time). but that’s not the story, the story is about the failure in our friendship…
You see, on my part i failed to deliver a funny comment to show how cool i have become, and he on his part…
well, he failed to recognize me…
Good night!